Question Existing
by sleipnirfenris
Summary: Jasper just doesn't understand why Bella's so controlled. How can it be?  She's a newborn.  It just doesn't make sense.


Title: Question Existing

Genre: Twilight

Characters: Jasper, Bella, Edward,

Disclaimer: Characters and back story belong entire to Stephanie Meyers but the main scene has not been shown in the books.

Summary: After Bella proves to have control over her newborn urges, she gains a painful insight into Jasper's experience of vegetarian life.

Thirst: It haunted them all. It gripped them all. It sucked deep down their throat and grabbed them by the larynx, choking them, cutting off all comfort until they slaked the fire which clawed sharp with talons at the inside of their throat. For the most part it was a mild discomfort, as long as the thirst was kept under control, that is. If the thirst was left too long it began an all consuming agony, a burning rage which could literally drive a vampire to a ravenous fiend. Choosing not to feed was a difficult choice few vampires ever made. It was usually made out of a gnawing guilt which drove them abstain from drinking their natural source of sustenance. Most vampires did not feel guilt over the deaths of the sentient life forms they inevitably murder to survive. Vampires like Carlisle who abstained from the very beginning, without another to spur them on and suggest it to them were rare. Edward had his rebellion of blood but he targeted his victims: criminals. He also had a gift to sway him back onto the vegetarian path. Most vampires who decide to drink the blood of animals did so because of a gift or because they were moved by one who did. Jasper was tied by both an ability and loving someone who had walked that path far longer than he had. Thirst was Jasper's enemy.

Bella was a newborn vampire. Newborns were insatiable. They had a constant need, a constant desire to fan the flames which scorched their soft tissue. Jasper had been looking forward to being the controlled one of the group, at least for a while. He had been looking forward a great deal to not being the weakest link within the Olympic Coven. For too long he had felt weak over his lack of resistance to the allure of human blood. Even now he preferred it. With Bella's newfound life as a vampire and her uncanny ability to refrain from killing any human who the unfortunate luck to cross her path, Jasper was feeling more and more frustrated. The news his new sister had just stopped herself when she began hunting humans at one word from Edward confused him greatly. It would have taken more than that to stop him and his reaction would not have been kind. Jasper knew from experience he would have defended himself and his prey and would not have recognised Edward as his adopted brother. Not immediately.

Jasper had fled the crowded Cullen home and roved the forest to get away from all the congratulating words, the shock and the awe over her utter control. Everyone was so damn happy for her and all Jasper could feel was a bitter resentment mixed with a bewildered confusion. Carlisle thought it was because she had her eyes open and came into this with the knowledge of what newborns were like, and so had mentally steeled herself against becoming a typical newborn. But it shouldn't be possible. It shouldn't matter what she knew before hand. Biology was biology. Physiology was physiology. She wanted blood. She needed blood. It had taken even Carlisle years to be become used to humans yet she was preventing herself from hunting them when she was barely a few weeks old! Jasper had been trying for decades to get a good handle on this vegetarian life style and he was barely holding on. She was beating him already! It wasn't fair. Could it possibly be because her resolve was simply far stronger than his? She had been human when she gained that knowledge. She had been a good human who valued life and didn't want to take it as a human and didn't want to take it as a vampire either. Was it possible that despite not wanting to kill humans Jasper just didn't care about them?

The decision to dispose of Bella had been easy. She had been a threat. All threats to the family had to be eliminated if possible. He would have, at the very least, snapped her neck, but he knew deep down he probably would have used her death as an excuse to cheat: no matter what Edward or the family felt for her or about her.

He just didn't care. Did he?

**Q_U_E_S_T_I_O_N_E_X_I_S_T_I_N_G**

Jasper had fled deep into the forest. He tested the air to ensure it was fresh and free of the delicious scent of human blood. Although he did not have to breathe he found the ritual of sucking air into his lungs and pushing it out soothing in this case. He needed it to calm himself. It was not a good idea to go demolishing a large portion of the forest just to feel the tree warp, buckle and crack under the stress and impact of his first slamming hard into the rough bark of the tall pine trees: every single one in the immediate vicinity. Light was blocked from pouring down onto the forest floor by the thick canopy above. A very light mist coiled around the bases of tree trunks. The area was entirely silent. Jasper was sitting with this back against the tree, eyes closed, legs crossed and looking the epitome of peace. He had only just settled from his constant striving back and forth. His mind had failed to slow.

Blood, Bella, the Cullens, school and weakness all prowled through his brain. He was weak. How could Bella succeed where he could not without any practice? He didn't believe going into vampirism with your eyes open negated a fundamental fact that she should be raving for blood, viciously, vividly, ferociously. Yet she was calm and cool and collected. Jasper understood the thirst. He knew what it felt like and how to combat it. He steeled himself against the pain, the burn but eventually the need to make it go away would overtake him and he'd snap at a random hiker who got to close while he was hunting or just pricked a finger on a pine needle. He told himself it was an accident. He told the others he didn't mean to. He claimed that if he was in the right state of mind and not thirsty he never would have claimed a human life. He wanted it to be true. He had lived too long with the Cullens for him not to want it to be true.

But was it? He loved human blood. He cherished human blood. Human blood to him was like handing red roses to a girl on a date. It was beautiful. Delicious. The best. Jasper knew if he did not have empathy he wouldn't be here. He'd be down south until he died fighting in a war thinking he had no choice. He might have eliminated Peter and Charlotte. Whether Lucy and Nettie would have succeeded it usurping Maria was uncertain to Jasper for he was positive she knew of their deception before he even went to her about their conspiring emotions. Jasper was, in essence, a monster. He tried so hard to keep it locked inside but that tended to make it angry. Every so often Jasper had to drink Human blood. The guilt to follow was inevitable. The sorrow and the grief consumed his very being. It happened every time like clockwork. The more he killed in one go, the worse his post feeding depression was. He had, in the past, sunk like a lead balloon, unable to face continuing the vege lifestyle, left. He didn't get very far. Alice always stopped him on time. She always convinced him to stay. And he had to stay, didn't he? He loved his little Pixie and whilst most days that was enough, more than enough, the overwhelming despair, the shame, the fear of seeing the disappointment in their eyes, the little comments from Rosalie just got to be too much. He would flee. Alice would catch him. He would tentatively return and they would pack and flee the area overnight. They would never be seen or heard from again.

A scent wafted through the forest. It was new to him but one he had committed to memory: Bella. She was not a vampire he wanted to speak to right now. His newest sister was naive and earnest and while he liked that she was untainted by blood and time and war and pain, he found it to be the cause of occasional irritation. He was trying to get away from ultra controlled Bella who was just utterly wonderful. Wasn't it great? Jasper didn't think so. Not entirely.

Wait for it...

...

"Jasper?" A tentative question came in her new bell-like voice.

Jasper opened his eyes and turned his luke warm caramel eyes in her direction. She would speak. Eventually.

Bella covered awkwardly wringing her fingers at waist level. She was nervous. Jasper always made a flutter of nerves and fear fizz in her stomach. Jasper mentally sighed. She shouldn't fear him. She had nothing to fear from him, not anymore. He soothed the swizzle inside Bella rationalising the tinkering to himself: she would relax, the conversation would go smoother and he would feel better. If he was entirely honest, and he often was, he couldn't be bothered dealing with edging on egg shells.

Bella huffed a little when she felt the artificial wave sooth her but said nothing. She didn't want to feel like this. She had a suspicion that any playing with her emotion on other occasions had been down to Alice who could pressure Jasper into doing anything she wanted with ease. She had never seen those two fight and as far as she was concerned a row between the vampire couple was unheard of. Rosalie and Emmet on the other hand appeared as though they had the occasional tisk which resulted in Emmett 'sleeping on the sofa', as it were.

Bella's murky red eyes regarded Jasper closely. If she didn't know any better she would have said he was tired. Physically it was impossible for him to tire but his soul? His heart? Perhaps Jasper was tired. The life was wearing, according to Carlisle, especially when you constantly had to struggle with yourself against the call of blood. Bella had no problem and that in itself was bothering Jasper. She did not want her new brother to be upset with her. She had worked hard to fit into the family, even using Rosalie's love of babies to gain her protection against the family who would kill her child.

"I don't know why I'm so good at this. But it doesn't mean I won't slip later," Bella said as though that was some kind of consolation. It did not make the southern vampire feel any better.

"Doesn't mean you will either. Carlisle and Rosalie have never tasted a drop. Esme struggled hard with it for a while but even she can control herself better than I can," Jasper said not hiding the lace of bitterness in his voice. Everyone was better than Jasper. It was just getting on his already frayed nerves.

"You'll get better Jasper," Bella said with full believe that he would. "You just need more time,"

"Bella, I like you, so don't take this the wrong way but I've had time. I have had sixty years of time and plenty of practice so don't say I need that either," Jasper replied bitterly. Where did she get off giving him a pep talk? He was the golden oldie here, not her. He was the experienced one. What? A few weeks as a newborn suddenly makes her an expert at resisting human blood? With her amazing resistance of Charlie, he guessed it did.

Jasper growled to himself and elbowed the trunk behind him. With a loud crack the trunk fractured and became unstable. Getting up he gave it a good hard shove and watched it fall dramatically to the ground.

"Jasper!" Bella snapped angrily at him.

He turned to her sharply reading her emotions as reflex then realised he was making her feel that way. Taking a calming breath he smoothed her emotions to an even placid keel and kept her there. Maybe it would help him not tear down the entire forest.

"Edward said you thought your lack of success might have something to do with the way you think,"

"Hmm,"

"Maybe...you expect that you will fail, so that's why you do," Bella ventured tentatively, ducking her head to look at her feet.

Jasper considered her words. Could that be it? Just it? It would be too simple. He didn't honestly believe it could be that simple and maybe that was the deeper problem: Jasper didn't believe he was worth it. He didn't think he was worth the effort the Cullens exerted. In fact, he knew he wasn't. He still didn't see what they clearly saw in him. Clearly he was worth putting up with in exchange for his tiny wife. "Maybe I don't want to succeed," Why hadn't anyone think of that?

"You can't mean that Jasper," Bella said with that tone Jasper just wanted to squash.

"Why not? I'm a monster Isabella. Just because I've tried to file down my fangs doesn't mean they're not still sharp,"

"I don't believe that. You don't believe that,"

Jasper stood. "Don't tell me what I do and don't think Bella. It would be ignorant of you to assume elements of my personality you have yet to explore," Bella was young and a lot of her was still naive. She had not seen war. She had not seen true horror. The battle of the newborns a couple of years ago had been nothing and she had missed almost all of it: she had seen only the aftermath and witnessed the placid destruction of Bree. Murder was such a violent thing to her. For Jasper, it was still a nasty business but he regarded it as a necessary evil. He had at one point considered it a full time job to kill newborns, train them, and feed on bundles of human. Human blood was ecstasy. Bella would never be able to understand what he felt. And he never wanted her too.

"You won't talk to me, Even now. I'm a vampire now and you still won't go near me," Bella accused.

"You have other things to deal with than bonding with me. That is not important right now," Jasper said. Why were the Cullens always going off point? At least she would fit in. There was a hybrid they knew nothing about, that they were all doting over Renesmee and that was perfectly natural. They should be worrying about the Volturi...should they find out, there was no telling what they would do. Renesmee, as far as they knew, was unique and that would mean the Volturi would treat her as a threat and the rest of the cullens along with it. They were dying to get rid of the Olypmic Coven, so much so they failed to act within an appropriate time with the newborn situation in Seattle. They waited, they waited until they had already fought the battle and won.

"You are important Jasper and right now you are hurting. Renesmee is fine. I just don't understand why you hurt so much. Why do you constantly beat yourself up over this?" Bella asked. It had always confused her. Emmett took failing in his stride. Apparently the last time they had to move, it was not Jasper's failure, but Emmett's. Her biggest and broadest brother had jumped back on the proverbial wagon and continued, with what she assumed from Jasper's point of view, was ease. They all accepted the thirst was a part of them: even Rosalie who despised the fact she wanted blood more than she would ever want Emmett. None of them reacted to blood the way Jasper did. She knew he struggled with it more than the others.

"Because I have to," Jasper replied forcefully cutting into her musings. He had to. There was no other way for him. He couldn't treat it as casual or as flippant as the others. He had to work, to fight to stay strong and resist. None of the others had to fight so hard, fight so fiercely and never forget the thirst in fear that if he did, he would fail even faster.

"But why? The others..."

Jasper took a deep breath in the attempt to stay the anger beginning to boil in his veins. She was being infuriating. Why couldn't she just leave it alone? She knew he did not like talking about it. It was not therapeutic for him. Although he knew and understood emotions extremely well he did not like discussing his own, even with Alice, who had to coax his feelings out of him at the best of times. "I am not the others Bella. I can't relax. I have to be careful. I have to fight because I want it so badly. I _crave_ human blood. It's an addiction, _need_. It's more than desire with me Bella,"

"You just have to be strong, you just have to..."

"What? Fight? I fight all day, every day. School is a torture. I wanted to enjoy a couple of years of not being the biggest burden , the biggest weakness, the biggest liability,"

"You wanted it to be me," Bella said in understanding with hurt undertones.

"You should be a mess,"

"So why am I not? I don't know Jasper. I should be. But I knew long before the change that I didn't want to be t hat way. That I did not want to kill humans,"

Jasper shook his head. "But it shouldn't matter! We already deny nature enough. It is a newborn's nature to crave human blood with an unquenchable and raging thirst. You shouldn't be able to conquer it until a year from now. And yet you resisted Charlie as though you were resisting the temptation to gorge on cake when you wanted to diet," Jasper replied with a growl in his voice. He was so frustrated with himself, with being usurped by this ignorant human turned newborn. He was so fed up of being the one everyone first thought of when a slip occurred.

"I don't understand,"

"Of course you don't. You've never seen the bad side of vampirism,"

"But the newborns..."

"Kindergarten stuff Bella. That was relatively easy. Resisting blood as a newborn should have been more difficult for you to bare but you did it with such ease. "

"You didn't want to be the weak one. I get it Jasper, I do,"

"No Bella. I _needed_ you to be the fuck up. I needed you to be wild and attacking humans so I could feel better about myself and so I didn't have to endure another 'It's OK Jasper, you try so hard. You'll do better next time,'"

"But you do try hard. Harder than the others because it's so difficult, yet you keep going,"

"I keep going because this is Alice's home. Bella I could leave, and I'd miss them but it would break Alice's heart. She won't choose them over me and I won't make her,"

"That's noble,"

Noble. It wasn't noble. Jasper scoffed. It was selfish. Living with the Cullens wasn't a chore or painful. He genuinely loved his adoptive family but Alice was all he needed. He needed her and as much as she needed him she needed the strange Cullens' too and that was fine with him. Her entire life before meeting them she had spent her time looking for them. All of them. Her path had been set the moment she had been turned – perhaps even before. Some things in this world just didn't change. Jasper shook his head. "It's not noble. It's selfish. I love her. I need her to be happy,"

Bella just nodded. She understood the passion Jasper felt for Alice because she felt it for Edward. Her entire world was centered around him and her darling daughter and Jacob was just on the side. She loved Jacob very much too but he was less important to her than he would like to think. Renesmee and Edward's happiness were key to her life. Jasper wanted the same things for Alice. He would guarantee her happiness.

"She's the only thing that keeps me going. Some days, she's the only reason I don't attack anyone. Some days she's the only reason I stay," Jasper replied.

Bella looked at Jasper sharply. "You want to leave?"

He shook his head. "Not now. Have done. Some days it...I can't cope. Not with the blood. Not with the family. Not with myself. I hate being so weak Bella. Sixty years and I'm still fighting. You have no idea what it's like to struggle for so hard so long and see others resist with comparative ease," Yes he was jealous and bitter and envious. They did it all so easily and he was left behind, struggling. He thought, at least for a while, perhaps always now, that he'd be able to move on and move up in the vegetarian circle he had managed to be indoctrinated into.

Bella was now the one to shake her head. Why couldn't Jasper see himself clearly? "But you are so strong. It's so hard to resist and yet you do every time, even after you slip – especially after. You also thought about cheating and feeding on a human before the newborn battle, for _me_, knowing you would have to start all over again and live with the fact you _chose_, not slipped, to kill that poor human," Bella said. "You were willing to start from scratch to assist me and Edward. You go to school every rotation despite knowing it's a constant torture and that Edward has to listen to your thoughts to make sure you don't slip. I don't know what it's like to have someone pry into your mind, but it can't be pleasant,"

Jasper quirked his lips, "Took some getting used to,"

"To keep going when it would be easier to stop and go back to a normal nomadic life of a vampire makes you incredibly strong Jasper. You're stronger than them all and one day you'll see that," Bella said with the ultimate conviction.

"You really believe that," Jasper murmured puzzled. Had she been human she never would have heard that puzzled statement.

"Yes I do Jasper, and so does everyone else. They try to comfort you because they think you need it. Maybe they need it more than you do. Don't get annoyed when people assume that it's you, or tell you everything's going to be fine. They care about you Jasper. You are not weak,"

Jasper remained silent. He didn't think Bella could really ever understand what he was saying but then, maybe he'd never truly understand what she was saying either. Maybe one day he'd learn to see himself in a different light. He kept going on this path mostly because he loved Alice, and only partly because he wanted to be on it, partly because it was easier this way than the other. "I appreciate what you say Bella. But I stay because of Alice. I stay partly because I do want to but that desire is selfish. I don't want to hurt my wife. It's easier for me to kill animals than face the emotions of my victims. I stay to punish myself Bella. For the lives I have taken. I stay for Alice,"

Bella just smiled. "To punish yourself? That only proves you've changed Jasper. A bad man wouldn't care about his previous victims. A bad man wouldn't care even with empathy,"

Jasper knew they would never see each other the way they wanted the other to see them. He would never see himself as Alice saw him, or as Bella did. And maybe that was a good thing because he could lean on them when things got tough. It was good Bella would never see the grisly side of Jasper Whitlock Hale. "Everything I am, Isabella Cullen, is what I have _learned_ to be. I barely had an ounce of humanity when Alice found me. Everything I know of being a human is from her, and from the Cullens. Thank you nonetheless Bella,"

"For what?" She asked confused. She still didn't see how it made any difference. He was perfectly fine as he was.

"For being so kind. Don't ever lose that. It's rare in this world, especially for us," Jasper said. "But please, do me a favour: be suspicious," he said. The Cullen's weren't suspicious enough for his tastes. Whenever they met anyone who claimed to be a peaceful nomad he was still going ten to the dozen with his senses while Carlisle stood there so perfectly at ease and welcoming. Jasper supposed he should be glad that was what he was like: who else would accept a Pixie and a scarred recovering soldier?

Bella giggled. "Okay," she replied.

He would keep fighting. He had to. See the humans as human, sentient, as worth something – that was what Alice was always telling him. He'd just have to try harder, and perhaps take a lead from newborn Isabella Cullen. Maybe then he'd take leaps and bounds to the control he used to have, and the control he's dreamt of since.

**Q_U_E_S_T_I_O_N_E_X_I_S_T_I_N_G**

A hand was resting on his cheek. It was small, tiny and overly cute. He was staring into a baby face, the face of a miniature doll, of his perfect daughter. [b]"Yes. That's Uncle Jasper,"[/b] Edward replied when he felt the question along with the slightly fuzzed image. It was true Jasper had stayed away and Edward had kept her away. He hadn't wanted to risk Jasper failing, not when it was his daughter at stake. It was true she smelled more like food than a vampire, but she smelled mostly sweet – too sweet for a human. She smelled inexplicably...different. He could still hear her heart beat, the blood rush through her veins and her breath whoosh in and out of her tiny little lungs. He had loved her before she was born. The others thought him just as crazy as he had thought Bella. But his daughter had understood, understood not to move otherwise she would hurt her mother. She understood that every movement brought Bella more torment and pain.

Another question came. A picture of them all but Jasper was missing. His baby was puzzled. She was so smart, so clever for her age. Edward was in awe and wonder at her ability to perceive and understand. She was smarter than any child her age and a lot of adults too: though that might be the pride talking. "Jasper is...he's never had to face a baby before. I think he's scared of you," Edward whispered conspiratorially. Jasper probably wouldn't appreciate what he said but he knew it was true. Any time Jasper thought about holding her he was holding her like a football and looking around as though someone was going to come rescue him. Edward smiled when Nessie gurgled a laugh. Scared of her? Yes, they both it was funny. "We'll have to arrange for him to have some bonding time with you,"

Edward was holding Nessie outside the Cullen House when Jasper and Bella came back together. Jasper's clothing was still rather damp but Bella was bone dry. He caught a glimpse of their little chat, a snippet of Jasper's meltdown and Bella's complete understanding. Bella's ability to accept practically anything that was put to her was utterly amazing and he loved her even more for it. "Are you feeling better?" Edward asked Jasper.

"Hmm," Jasper replied coming to a stop before Edward with Bella at his side. Immediately Renesmee reached out to Jasper's hand and showed him an image of him holding her.

"Here," Edward said moving Nessie into Jasper's arms. Everyone else had held her, but not Jasper.

"Oh...Okay," Jasper said suddenly landed with a baby in his arms. Edward and Bella were smiling, one arm around each other. Yes. Maybe he could do this. Humanity. It was a concept always slightly out of reach for him but he was beginning to understand. It was a state of mind. It was an emotion. Maybe he could hold onto it, this warm glow. Maybe humanity was so out of reach after all.

#fin#


End file.
